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Jokes & Fun
New Office Policy
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to manage your money better, so that you may buy
nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to
go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and
Sunday.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement
is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad
to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict 3 minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will
retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense,
your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic
Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so they can look
healthy.
. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain
their average figure.
. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that is all the time needed to drink
a Slim-Fast.
Thank You for your loyalty to the company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume
you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to manage your money better, so that you may buy
nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to
go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and
Sunday.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement
is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad
to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict 3 minute time
limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper will
retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense,
your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic
Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
. Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so they can look
healthy.
. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain
their average figure.
. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that is all the time needed to drink
a Slim-Fast.
Thank You for your loyalty to the company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.